Plans

What do you do with plans that won't be played out? I had big plans for the first birthday party, Christmas, and even Thanksgiving. Crawling, first steps, dadadada, cake all over her face. So lost as to what to do with all of that. How in 8 days will I be sending back the precious gift God has given us to parent and love for 6 months? Today I got a text saying next Friday is the day. (has to be judge approved tomorrow). But this isn't what we were told. We were told it will at least be a year. At least. There is no way it will be any sooner. There will be lots of notice. Weekend practices, etc. Nope. God's got different plans and fully trust they are good, though they hurt. Badly. I can't believe this is my update! I have been so planning exciting updates like sitting up, talking, eating, etc. There have been all great days- for 6 months. God has blessed us so much with this sweet gift. We were just handed her. This beautiful gift he made. I will never forget what an undeserved blessing that he gave us. But giving it up is amazingly hard. I knew it would be. I just forgot what hurt feels like.
Seeing my girls with her everyday is such a blessing! She lights up for them and loves them. I am so sad that she'll be spending all her days in a downtown day care instead of in my arms, in her bed, on her schedule. God is good and I am grateful to have this to constantly turn to. Because I know there are going to many days where I will just want to hunt her down and move us all to Switzerland.
So please pray for comfort, protection for her all of her days, for our girls who are crushed, and for next Fri. It is a crazy day. Olivia has two performances of the Nutcracker-one of which I signed up to help for- people are going to be getting tears when they buy flowers! and my in-laws will be in town. Being watched as we hand over our girl sounds terrible. I know I will need some time to grieve, but I will need to slap on a happy face.
I know all will be well, it just sucks for now. So I guess I'll just plan for things to suck for a while.

What to share?

Well, it has been too long! I have a hard time knowing what to share! Our sweet baby girl is growing, growing. She is over 2 months and has the sweetest chubby cheeks ever. She loves to be held, smile, talk, and is starting to giggle. It is amazing all God protected her from while in the womb. I am so, so grateful. At this point she will go back to her bio mom at 6-7 months of age- most likely. I have come to realize this depends more on CPS getting their work done than the mom actually doing anything. I have learned way too much about the system. It is burdensome, ridiculous, overwhelming, and makes me want to help and hide all at the same time. Maybe when we don't have a placement I'll be able to share more. This wasn't something we were prepared for.
For now we are enjoying watching her grow. And trying to enjoy the days of my big girls since they are growing too fast. My mom was in town last week and we got to take them to a water park. We got a sitter for the baby. It was so fun to just take the big girls and do whatever they wanted over and over again. It was such a blessing to get that time with them!
This week we are doing VBS. So far, so good. Our church does an amazing job of making it easy on the teachers. I have a great, all girl group. :) Perfect for me! I am also in a room with a good friend- which makes it even more fun.
Speaking of good friends, I have learned it doesn't matter whether you live in the Midwest or the South, it takes about a year and  a half to make some good friends. I am thankful for the ones God has put in our lives.
We are hoping to get to travel to see family in the coming weeks. We are waiting on the official approval. I CANNOT wait! There is something about knowing you aren't allowed to leave the state that really makes you want to!
This journey has been an amazing one. God has taught me so many lessons I wouldn't trade. They've been tough- like realizing I am no more deserving of this precious baby girl than her bio mom is. But they are all worth it. One thing I prayed for for this placement was to find joy in caring for the child. Well to say there has been joy would be a major understatement. I have enjoyed caring for her more than you can imagine. Such a blessing!
Ok, better get to bed so I am somewhat rested for VBS!
Thanks for your prayers!

Quick update

Well, our sweet little girl with a head full of hair is now 3 weeks old! In many ways it seems like we've had her way longer than 3 weeks! I guess it is being up at night! :) She is overall a great sleeper. Usually sleeping 2 1/2 to 3 hours at a time. Last night she slept for 4 hours! Yea! It is so fun to care for her and we have actually been able to just sort of continue on with minor changes. Honestly it is easier to care for a newborn than a child that already has a life, history, and some pretty miserable circumstances. I had been praying God would really give me a heart to truly love the next child we got. Well, much to my surprise, God knew a newborn was the way to go. I wouldn't have ever picked that age! Most of you know I am a toddler lover. I think it is so much easier to enjoy a baby when they didn't come from your body. You aren't totally worn out and don't have all of the crazy emotions, depression, etc going on. I am very blessed to get to have experienced both and I feel like God just blessed me so much in getting to care for this precious baby.

The girls just love her. And are so helpful. It has been a learning experience for them and they are so nurturing. Great to see out of your kids!

We aren't really sure of a timeline and many, many things can change. It looks like we'll have her about 6 months. I would completely have her forever if possible. Trusting God that he has a perfect plan for her and he loves her entirely more than I ever could. So I know no matter where she is he will be watching over her. I do know it is going to be crazy difficult to let her go if that is what we need to do. But for now, I won't worry. I'll just love her and care for her tiny little body that is quickly filling out! She is getting some chubby cheeks that are adorable!

Little Bity News

We got a call for a newborn baby and now my arms are full of a tightly little swaddled bundle that is precious! I really like her! It is funny because at church on Sunday my heart (for the first time in years) had a tug for a baby. I was really surprised. Guess he was preparing me! Of course I can't share much, but at this point we don't know much. One minute I am in Kroger with Olivia hurrying to get what we need so we could pick up Annika from gymnastics. And the next minute I am racing around getting our house ready for a newborn. We got her about 6 hours after the call. She's so cute and is really great- she's definitely in the honeymoon stage! We have no idea how long we'll get to keep her, but I am pretty sure it wouldn't take much for us to keep her forever!

babies

So this weekend has been the weekend of babies. I would have to loved to have been in OH and in Little Rock for all of them! My best friend in OH had her sweet baby girl. My best friend in LR had her twins (at only 25wks) and my cousin and his wife had their first baby today. I can't wait to go to LR next week and visit these precious new lives. Wishing I had a private plane to fly to see them all! It is so hard to not be close and help, snuggle, and love.

Fort Worth Botanical Gardens

My mom was here during her spring break- last week of March. One of the things we did was to go to the Botanical Gardens. We've been to several parts before, but not the rose garden. It looks like something from a Jane Austen movie. Amazing. You feel like you are somewhere else.

We had done a lot by this point! We started at the Water Gardens downtown, but there was no water! Glad we had this planned, too!

Little update

I've been trying to think of what to write- there is a lot- Annika turned 5!! on March 28. I can't believe my baby is 5! We have so many cute pictures from her birthday fun. But I seem to leave those at my picasa site and then have this going on over here at Blogger.

Well, as most of you know our first foster daughter left the Monday after my last post. I was worried about the goodbye, sadness, her feeling abandoned, etc. But God totally took care of all of that. I am so, so thankful. He did it in some strange ways, but it kind of makes me laugh now. I just looked back at the post where I was so sad about the time change. I'll just say come Monday morning I wouldn't have minded if it had changed a few hours. Sweet little one had a very hard couple of days. She was defiant in everything. Did I make that clear? EVERYTHING. It's amazing how when you don't have a lifetime of trust and love built with them how fickle you can be. And how fickle I was. I wanted to ooze love, patience, grace, hope, and joy. But honestly that is not what happened in the face of minute upon minute of struggle with her. God made the goodbye easy in several ways. I am going to do what I do best- make a list.

1. She was so hard to like the last two days. Just being honest here. Some days she was showing so much love and being able to accept love. And some days she was hard. All the way around. You are the adult here right?, you might ask. Yes, I am, but I am an adult who is so unfit to do anything God would ever want me to do that I am desperate for his help.

2. The CPS worker assured us in so many ways that she was going to the PERFECT place. A lot of it I can't share, but God worked mightily for this little girl and I don't want it to be overlooked.

3. I put her in the car with her new favorite books (Goodnight Moon was one) and she just looked at them and I guess she assumed I was getting in the car with her. She never even looked up. And she had been having major separation anxiety, so this was huge! She didn't cry the whole way and was super excited when she saw the person she was going to live with! Such a blessing to this mama's heart! {and separate side note- she didn't even know how to sit through a book when she came! And she loves them now! So fun to see!}

So we went out of town the next day, which was my birthday. We stopped to see my dad and step-mom on the way and they had planned a little party for me and then when we got to LR, my mom had planned a big family surprise party for me! I felt so special and it was so nice to get away from our house and reset. During that time we were still waiting to hear about a little girl that was up for adoption. We heard that we had been invited to a really important meeting for her and we were just waiting to find out when that meeting would be because someone was on vacation. A week or so later we found out she'd already been matched with another family. This ride is like a crazy roller coaster. God is definitely teaching me to bounce back a little faster than before. Sometimes I hang out down at the bottom mulling over things a little too long. So we are back on the emergency placement list again trusting God with what his plan is and hoping in the mean time he fills me with so much more love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, and self-control- because it doesn't come naturally!