Crazy Adventure

Well, our lives are about to change again drastically. Like they did 6 weeks ago. Today was a loooooooooooong one. This little girl has either a super high day or a no good, very bad day. Today was the latter. Defiant in everything. EVERYTHING. I was really looking forward to church tomorrow, but I hate to take all 3 of the girls and their colds to church. But Travis will be here tomorrow, so that should help some. And hopefully we'll end on a high note! I want to share about these not so good days too because it is good to be realistic and is good for those considering doing this to know more of what it is really like. It isn't a fairy tale, like I often think of for families. It is another life, with lots of needs, and you don't get to follow your own parenting rules. You do what the state says. That can be very difficult. But this has definitely been a blessing I wouldn't have wanted to miss out on. And I am so glad God involved us in her little life and has {hopefully} used us to help heal her heart.

This whole thing almost seems like a dream. Travis described it great. He said it is like we've been on some crazy adventure that no one knows about. None of our family or close friends ever got to meet her- so it is like a second life we've lived. It has drastically impacted us, but our family really has no idea. I am really looking forward to going to visit family next week, but I am also a little nervous. What if no one asks about this precious life that we are missing? How could they know how sweet and special she was? How can I fully say how we were impacted? Do any of them really care? These are all good things for me to think through and honestly it really doesn't matter. God knows and I feel completely honored to have gotten to be a part of his work in her life. That is enough- I just need to remember that! :)

Packing

Ms B will head to a relative's on Monday morning. I have never hated the time change so much. She is getting picked up at 10. I had it all planned out. Big breakfast, sweet long bath, and playtime before...I can't even say it. But now I realize she is really getting picked up at 9. This means everything will be hurried, including our goodbye. I don't like this one bit.

I have gone through and packed up everything. We have to write down everything she brought and everything we bought. So today during her nap I went through and counted everything...with my girls making a lot of loud, weird sounds that were killing my already hurting head. It took way too long, but it is done. So it all sits, neatly folded and packed in a new, cute suitcase waiting by the front door. Such a reminder of what is to come- and who will be going. I should say, the things we bought are in the new cute suitcase. The other things are in the huge blue bag that CPS gives you when they bring you a child. I don't like those bags. So I put all of the things we were given by her family several weeks after we got her in that big blue bag because i don't like them. Not because of what they look like, but because I don't like what they represent. They represent a precious little girl who was not loved and cared for. And an environment that is not good. And a life that was headed no where.

I have so much hope that her life is headed somewhere now. That a little seed has been planted in her heart to know there is more than what she's been given. And that God has redeemed what was once broken. And that he isn't done.

I have completely enjoyed every single giggle today, but it is sad too all at the same time. We planned to go to the zoo today and just ride the train and the carousel as many times as she wanted. But everyone else in Fort Worth was there today along with every single school bus in Ft. Worth. So we opted for the Forest Park Train instead. Thankfully it is about a block away! She LOVED it! She woke up with a terrible cold today, but we pressed on because she needed a fun IHOP meal and ice cream from Yo! Tonight she was so snuggly and giggly. She cannot get enough of books now. When she came she looked for a second and then moved on, but now...now she sneaks another while you are reading one just so she'll have it ready when I am finished with the one I was just reading. So sweet.

The highlight of the day was during her bath this afternoon. This is so simple, but something I probably won't take for granted ever again. You know how you can look at your kids and just do a little smile and they do that little smile back? B has never done that. Sometimes you'd get a glare and sometimes just a lost look. Today during her bath I sat her down and she looked up at me and I just did that little smile because she seems like one of my own and she did it back. It meant more than any hug or giggle. That's the smile of belonging and it was so good to see.

Reprogramming

So much I'd like to share that I am learning right now...but I have no idea where to start. The big lesson right now is life isn't about my comfort. I don't need to make decisions based on how easy it will make my life or how much joy it is going to bring me. It is not about me. It is not about me. Maybe if I say it enough it will soak in. So much of my life, and I am guessing others, has taught me to seek a great life- a good job, a good husband, a nice home with nice furniture, comfort, peace, and things that make me happy. I am learning that although those things are all awesome, they are not what it is really all about. So what is it really all about? I am not sure I can put it down in a sentence yet. I have things swirling around in my head, but I have a hard time pushing out all of the garbage I've learned over the years.

Women's bible study at church has been so good. So, so good for me. It has totally challenged the way I think. It is called The Gospel Centered Life. Every week we go and learn so much and also share what our thing is. For example, this last week we talked about idols. We don't come in assuming maybe someone else has an idol- we all say these are the ones I have. And it is awesome. There is no pretending or performing- it is all honest and it is amazing. If only it were like that outside of that room. I want my life to be like that all of the time. But it really is so hard to reprogram my mind to truth.

Thankfully that is where the Holy Spirit comes in. I cannot do it on my own. He does it. {yes, he. The Holy Spirit is not a thing} I am reading a great book about this right now. It is by Francis Chan (he wrote Crazy Love). I HIGHLY recommend this book. Especially for anyone who...actually just for anyone. Oh, I guess I should say the name. It is called Forgotten God. It is a life changer that is biblically based. He talks about all different kinds of views we've probably had whether we grew up in a charismatic church or a church that occasionally mentions the "Holy Ghost" and then the rest of the time pretends he doesn't exist. He is just teaching what the bible says and it is so life changing and I LOVE it!

I don't want my life just to be comfortable, I want it to be doing what God is doing. And often that isn't comfortable. Like thinking about adoption. For every thought that God could use us to bless a child, I have 15 fearful, selfish, and sometimes angry thoughts.

On a lighter note- Big girls got trophies last night for cheerleading- they were so excited (they were a little confused why it had a basketball player on it). And little one was cute at dinner tonight. Olivia prayed for dinner and then when she was finished, little one put her little hands together (the best she could) in front of her face and started pretending to pray. It was precious!

3 hugs

Today sweet little one gave three hugs to someone whom she's never hugged before- her foster daddy. They were the sweetest hugs I've seen. And such a reminder at how God must see us when we finally come to him. He's there just waiting and loving. And then we turn and it is so sweet.

Great Progress

Little Missy has come a LONG way in just a few days. It is amazing the progress she has made! She is doing more each day showing a need for some help (even though it is still only in the little things) and coming to me for hugs. She is really bonding which is so great...except that she won't be here long. It is really heart breaking to think of her leaving. She's just in the last couple of days just blended right in and become a "normal" part of our family- with less screaming, whining, and angry looks. Much more giggling and fun. She even says "please" when wanting some food instead of just screaming (sometimes there is a scream first, but when we remind her she says it!) We are all just getting each other and it feels so good. I am thankful that today I knew I wouldn't be getting a phone call saying they were coming for her, so I could really just enjoy it. Although tonight when I was reading her books before bed, it hit me like a ton of bricks. It could be tomorrow. Or maybe it won't be so I shouldn't think that...but I need to have everything ready because I know when they call I won't be able to think straight...God please give me peace about this because I totally trust you with her...this is really painful...stop it... This is what my mind pretty much goes through constantly. It is heart breaking and I can say that because of the past two days it will be even harder, although I wouldn't trade them for anything.
I realized today there won't be a day in my life that I don't wonder how she's doing. Or what she's doing. Or if she's being taken care of. I am not sure how to deal with all of that, but I am thankful God won't ever leave me or leave me alone to deal with those thoughts. And this is all part of doing what he had for us to do. So even though there is pain, I know he will use it to make us more like Him and I am grateful for that. I am also grateful that he will ALWAYS be with her and I don't have to worry about that either. But I am a little worried about when they try to come get her. I am not sure how I will be able to let them take her. They may have to literally pry my arms off of her. She's definitely got some separation anxiety now, so I don't expect it to be pretty. I am just not sure who will be crying louder- her or me. :)

overwhelmed

That's how I feel right now. Not like you'd think, but as I watch our newest little one each day, I see more and more where she was neglected. It makes me sick. At this moment, it is overwhelming. How can an 18 month old not know I am there to help her? The only time she asks for help is for food. Not when she falls, gets hurt, needs to reach something, is awake in bed, or anytime. It is terrible to think she doesn't even know she should be loved and cared for that way.
I know this happens all of the time in orphanages and homes around the world. But her home wasn't supposed to be all that neglectful. Which scares me. They don't even see what I see. Will they listen to what I have seen? Will they watch for that as she grows?
She is probably moving onto a family member's house soon and I can only trust that God will provide her with an amazingly loving family that will care for her and heal those terrible hurt places she doesn't even know about. I can't imagine how it must hurt God's heart to watch his children hurt. Because it is almost more than I can stand right now. My prayer for her is that she'll always know he is with her and that he will free her from the life this world has promised her.