Packing

Ms B will head to a relative's on Monday morning. I have never hated the time change so much. She is getting picked up at 10. I had it all planned out. Big breakfast, sweet long bath, and playtime before...I can't even say it. But now I realize she is really getting picked up at 9. This means everything will be hurried, including our goodbye. I don't like this one bit.

I have gone through and packed up everything. We have to write down everything she brought and everything we bought. So today during her nap I went through and counted everything...with my girls making a lot of loud, weird sounds that were killing my already hurting head. It took way too long, but it is done. So it all sits, neatly folded and packed in a new, cute suitcase waiting by the front door. Such a reminder of what is to come- and who will be going. I should say, the things we bought are in the new cute suitcase. The other things are in the huge blue bag that CPS gives you when they bring you a child. I don't like those bags. So I put all of the things we were given by her family several weeks after we got her in that big blue bag because i don't like them. Not because of what they look like, but because I don't like what they represent. They represent a precious little girl who was not loved and cared for. And an environment that is not good. And a life that was headed no where.

I have so much hope that her life is headed somewhere now. That a little seed has been planted in her heart to know there is more than what she's been given. And that God has redeemed what was once broken. And that he isn't done.

I have completely enjoyed every single giggle today, but it is sad too all at the same time. We planned to go to the zoo today and just ride the train and the carousel as many times as she wanted. But everyone else in Fort Worth was there today along with every single school bus in Ft. Worth. So we opted for the Forest Park Train instead. Thankfully it is about a block away! She LOVED it! She woke up with a terrible cold today, but we pressed on because she needed a fun IHOP meal and ice cream from Yo! Tonight she was so snuggly and giggly. She cannot get enough of books now. When she came she looked for a second and then moved on, but now...now she sneaks another while you are reading one just so she'll have it ready when I am finished with the one I was just reading. So sweet.

The highlight of the day was during her bath this afternoon. This is so simple, but something I probably won't take for granted ever again. You know how you can look at your kids and just do a little smile and they do that little smile back? B has never done that. Sometimes you'd get a glare and sometimes just a lost look. Today during her bath I sat her down and she looked up at me and I just did that little smile because she seems like one of my own and she did it back. It meant more than any hug or giggle. That's the smile of belonging and it was so good to see.

Reprogramming

So much I'd like to share that I am learning right now...but I have no idea where to start. The big lesson right now is life isn't about my comfort. I don't need to make decisions based on how easy it will make my life or how much joy it is going to bring me. It is not about me. It is not about me. Maybe if I say it enough it will soak in. So much of my life, and I am guessing others, has taught me to seek a great life- a good job, a good husband, a nice home with nice furniture, comfort, peace, and things that make me happy. I am learning that although those things are all awesome, they are not what it is really all about. So what is it really all about? I am not sure I can put it down in a sentence yet. I have things swirling around in my head, but I have a hard time pushing out all of the garbage I've learned over the years.

Women's bible study at church has been so good. So, so good for me. It has totally challenged the way I think. It is called The Gospel Centered Life. Every week we go and learn so much and also share what our thing is. For example, this last week we talked about idols. We don't come in assuming maybe someone else has an idol- we all say these are the ones I have. And it is awesome. There is no pretending or performing- it is all honest and it is amazing. If only it were like that outside of that room. I want my life to be like that all of the time. But it really is so hard to reprogram my mind to truth.

Thankfully that is where the Holy Spirit comes in. I cannot do it on my own. He does it. {yes, he. The Holy Spirit is not a thing} I am reading a great book about this right now. It is by Francis Chan (he wrote Crazy Love). I HIGHLY recommend this book. Especially for anyone who...actually just for anyone. Oh, I guess I should say the name. It is called Forgotten God. It is a life changer that is biblically based. He talks about all different kinds of views we've probably had whether we grew up in a charismatic church or a church that occasionally mentions the "Holy Ghost" and then the rest of the time pretends he doesn't exist. He is just teaching what the bible says and it is so life changing and I LOVE it!

I don't want my life just to be comfortable, I want it to be doing what God is doing. And often that isn't comfortable. Like thinking about adoption. For every thought that God could use us to bless a child, I have 15 fearful, selfish, and sometimes angry thoughts.

On a lighter note- Big girls got trophies last night for cheerleading- they were so excited (they were a little confused why it had a basketball player on it). And little one was cute at dinner tonight. Olivia prayed for dinner and then when she was finished, little one put her little hands together (the best she could) in front of her face and started pretending to pray. It was precious!

3 hugs

Today sweet little one gave three hugs to someone whom she's never hugged before- her foster daddy. They were the sweetest hugs I've seen. And such a reminder at how God must see us when we finally come to him. He's there just waiting and loving. And then we turn and it is so sweet.

Great Progress

Little Missy has come a LONG way in just a few days. It is amazing the progress she has made! She is doing more each day showing a need for some help (even though it is still only in the little things) and coming to me for hugs. She is really bonding which is so great...except that she won't be here long. It is really heart breaking to think of her leaving. She's just in the last couple of days just blended right in and become a "normal" part of our family- with less screaming, whining, and angry looks. Much more giggling and fun. She even says "please" when wanting some food instead of just screaming (sometimes there is a scream first, but when we remind her she says it!) We are all just getting each other and it feels so good. I am thankful that today I knew I wouldn't be getting a phone call saying they were coming for her, so I could really just enjoy it. Although tonight when I was reading her books before bed, it hit me like a ton of bricks. It could be tomorrow. Or maybe it won't be so I shouldn't think that...but I need to have everything ready because I know when they call I won't be able to think straight...God please give me peace about this because I totally trust you with her...this is really painful...stop it... This is what my mind pretty much goes through constantly. It is heart breaking and I can say that because of the past two days it will be even harder, although I wouldn't trade them for anything.
I realized today there won't be a day in my life that I don't wonder how she's doing. Or what she's doing. Or if she's being taken care of. I am not sure how to deal with all of that, but I am thankful God won't ever leave me or leave me alone to deal with those thoughts. And this is all part of doing what he had for us to do. So even though there is pain, I know he will use it to make us more like Him and I am grateful for that. I am also grateful that he will ALWAYS be with her and I don't have to worry about that either. But I am a little worried about when they try to come get her. I am not sure how I will be able to let them take her. They may have to literally pry my arms off of her. She's definitely got some separation anxiety now, so I don't expect it to be pretty. I am just not sure who will be crying louder- her or me. :)

overwhelmed

That's how I feel right now. Not like you'd think, but as I watch our newest little one each day, I see more and more where she was neglected. It makes me sick. At this moment, it is overwhelming. How can an 18 month old not know I am there to help her? The only time she asks for help is for food. Not when she falls, gets hurt, needs to reach something, is awake in bed, or anytime. It is terrible to think she doesn't even know she should be loved and cared for that way.
I know this happens all of the time in orphanages and homes around the world. But her home wasn't supposed to be all that neglectful. Which scares me. They don't even see what I see. Will they listen to what I have seen? Will they watch for that as she grows?
She is probably moving onto a family member's house soon and I can only trust that God will provide her with an amazingly loving family that will care for her and heal those terrible hurt places she doesn't even know about. I can't imagine how it must hurt God's heart to watch his children hurt. Because it is almost more than I can stand right now. My prayer for her is that she'll always know he is with her and that he will free her from the life this world has promised her.

Quick Update

Just a quick update to say things are going well. The past two days have been filled with a lot of giggles. And I have to say it is amazing how helpful our two older girls have been. They both can push the stroller! They can help me distract to brush little teeth. They can give bites of yogurt to a hungry mouth while I am fixing everyone else's breakfast. Amazing! Where were they when I had my first two kids? Oh wait, those are them. Hmmm. I think this is the way to do it! :)
It really has been amazing to see how quickly God has made this all work and how amazingly he has blessed us with an easy situation. I really am so grateful.
We are slowly figuring out how to fit in homeschool. Although I used to insist we do it in the morning, that hasn't been an option so far. During her nap is about the only time that works. So that is when we do it. Today, she did science with us. I don't think it is too early to learn how your taste and smell works!
On a side note- I haven't had stove top popcorn in a while. I love it. Really. I haven't had time and have been totally worn out once the girls are in bed. And I threw out my perfect popcorn pan. Although I didn't know it was the perfect one until I tried my new one. So I googled stovetop popcorn. I found a helpful way. I am not sure why it was so helpful. I got the pan hot, added olive oil, pulled it off the burner while I added the kernels, then put the lid on and scooted it back to the heat. Once it started popping I moved the pan around constantly {and hoped it didn't wake my sleeping girls!} and it came out perfect. So the "recipe" was right and perfect. Now I feel a little more back to normal!

Learning to live...

This week we've had a lot of changes around our house! For me the changes have been quite a lot. Going from two kids to three, remembering toddlers don't stay with you and totally get into EVERYTHING, remembering to pack diapers, wipes, pacis, snacks, and an extra outfit, and to letting (and desperately needing) my awesome husband to help. I am pretty capable of caring for our kids all day long most days. Since we homeschool I rarely get a break from them (and I am grateful), but I have definitely needed some help and he has gone above and beyond WITHOUT me asking. God has been super gracious to me in this!
For our kids, there have been other changes. For our bio girls, they have learned to be more independent and for our foster daughter, she's had to learn to be dependent. It is strange- almost like I am pushing them out of the nest (when they'd rather hang around), while pulling one closer (who'd rather fend for herself). I have really seen some amazing progress for all of them. It is so great to see sweet Bella wanting to be held and smiling most of the time. And learning it is ok to laugh and have fun. And for our girls to learn it is ok to fend for themselves some. Now, we just have to get back to homeschool...I am sure we'll find a way to get that in!
{This post is the first from my new computer! Mine crashed sometime ago and we've been trying to get one for months, but we had foster expenses, car problems, and more car problems. After lunch on Friday my husband casually took me to the Apple store "to pick up what we came for."!!!!!}